Approaching 50?

Reflecting on life, aging, parenting,and chronic illness in the past 20 years. TW: Pregnancy and Infant Loss

I am going to turn 50 soon.

That said, I do not feel 50. I did not feel 40 when I turned 40, either. Yes, physically, I often feel much older, but mentally, and perhaps in my looks, I am not 50. I mentally feel 42, now. I was late maturing, mentally, too. I feel more like an Xennial than Gen X, and depending on whose dates one follows when looking at generations, I am an old Xennial! (And my older living child is on the cusp of two generations, again when you look at the dates, he is, but he knows which one he belongs in! Do not bother to argue with him about it. I won’t argue either.)

Physically, I have been told I look younger than I am. When I was 30, I had people asking if my parents or guardians were home! (I lived in my own rented apartment, and had a full-time position that required a Masters degree. So that was a shocker!) When I was 31, I was asked while at my job (as a Librarian), if I had graduated from high school yet. And if so, did I plan to go to college? I tried to explain without embarrassing the patron that I was already a college (and then some) graduate. It was very awkward. I knew I was different, but almost 20 years ago, I did not know the term neurodivergent. (I now know that is part of the reason why I always felt a little behind in terms of mental maturity.)

I was thrilled to be mistaken as younger, but also frustrated at that time. It felt like some people were not taking me seriously in a time and place I needed to be taken seriously. Sometimes it made me feel like I was really a fraud (now known as imposter syndrome), even though I was absolutely not. It made me doubt myself. My self-esteem was all over the place.

I did look older at 40. By then, we had been through several moves, our first child’s birth and death, miscarriages, one living child, job changes, (all those major life stressors that I learned about in psychology class) and on my 40th birthday, looking at surgery for an injury that had occurred months earlier, and was not healing as it should have. Still, I actually looked 30. Finally! I still didn’t have the amount lines on my face around my eyes and mouth that many people around my age did.

Yes, I was a little vain about that!

I lost our very wanted little girl at age 41. I thought that because my pregnancy had made it through the first trimester, and because our first child’s heart and lung defects were rare, it was going to be good. I had hyperemesis the whole time, and lost weight while pregnant, as I usually did. Things generally looked good at 12 weeks on the sonogram. The basic genetic testing showed she was a girl. And then at 16 weeks we went for the fetal echo to make sure she didn’t have HLHS like her oldest brother.

Silence. She had fetal hydrops and her heart was no longer beating.

I don’t know if this visibly aged me or not. (I should look at pictures?)

The next year, I gave up the idea that would have another baby. To conceive our little girl, there was some medical help involved. We thought that it wouldn’t happen for us au natural again, and that we would be happy with our relatively healthy living child.

It took me some time around my 42nd birthday to get to a place where I was accepting that I was not not going to have the two to four living children I had always dreamed of. I threw myself into job searching (but for the right position that would work with having enough time for my child), ringing handbell solos, thinking about auditioning for a professional bell ensemble again, writing book reviews, and so on. Yes, I was privileged that I had time and a spouse to support me in these things.

I conceived our miracle youngest child around the same time I had an interview for a full-time position. I did not get the job, but by the time I found that out, I had figured out that I was absolutely pregnant. Hyperemesis began immediately. I had the positive pregnancy test even before I expected my period to start. I could not keep any food down. Still, this did not comfort me. I had this with every pregnancy. (I had it any time I had any hcg in my system, still pregnant or not.) We cried when we first heard and saw the heart beat at seven weeks (there was a scare at that point in time.) We cried when the 16 week fetal echo was beautiful.

I was astounded when once again, people who saw me in person couldn’t believe I was really 25 weeks along when I was (this was the case for all three full term pregnancies.) People finally noticed I was pregnant when it became obvious at 30 weeks. Having a long torso helps with that, I suppose. It always took a long time for me to “pop.”

At age 43, our youngest was born. Our miracle. For the first time, I had the chance to have my baby skin to skin on the way to the recovery room. It was by no means a perfect pregnancy. I had no idea yet that I had Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) or POTS, but someone should have thought it during this pregnancy. Like every time, I was told women get “extra-flexible”. However, not every pregnant person has their jaw dislocate. Not every pregnant person has to eat outrageous amounts of salt to able to lay down semi-comfortably. Not every person has their hips collapse out from under them with no notice. Not every person has heart palpitations. (I could keep listing all the things.) EDS can sometimes make people look younger than they are.

Because I have a young child, I do not feel old. I do sometimes when I realize that I could also be a grandparent by now, when I see old friends who are younger than I am who are already grandparents. My grandma was still 49 when I was born. At the same time, because my chronic illnesses and disabilities keep progressing, I am not the same mom to my younger child than I am with my older living child (who is a teen.) I am a different mom, a mom who is less active in many ways, but also more involved in other ways. (My younger one knows nothing different than a disabled mom. Mobility aids are “normal” to him. Another subject for another time!) And parenting two children in different stages of growing up is definitely an adventure!

I would not change my life in the last 20 years for anything. Yes, it would have been good to know that I have a genetic condition that could be passed on, that could have been the factor at play with my pregnancies, and so on. However, I would not give up the life and children I have for anything.

Do I still think I look younger? Skin-wise, yes! Mentally, yes? I have to think about that. The times we live in are extremely anxiety-provoking. Will menopause (not there yet!) suddenly age me? I have heard of it happening with people with EDS. I will just have to wait and see!